Wednesday, May 6, 2015


Loss is hard. So hard. A month and a half ago we learned that we were expecting baby #4. A total surprise, but happiness overtook us. We were tickled. Rob smiled so big. A mini van was bought, plans were evolving for nursery furniture and shared bedrooms, a midwife was hired. I was elated to finally be planning for the home birth I always wanted. Then a little over a week ago the bleeding started and our baby is no more. I've cried many times over the past week. We've talked and are still dealing with our heartache in the way that's most comfortable to us. But the hardest part is telling the people that we had already shared our happy news with. That's hard. They don't know what to say and I prefer to remain private with my grieving. Hard stuff.

This pain hurts. I loved our child even though we never knew exactly who they were. We were so excited which makes it hurt even more. However a verse that almost immediately popped into my head when the bleeding started was Isaiah 55:8-9, "'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,' declares the Lord. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.'" I have full confidence that God has a plan and purpose for this heartache, I just don't know what it is yet, nor may I ever fully understand and that is ok. I hope that somehow He is glorified through our suffering.

And yet again I am brought back to one of my all time favorite verses, Romans 8:28, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."


My sweet 10.1# mama's boy turned four years old over a month ago. That boy has a heart of gold and I cannot believe how fast time is flying by. I think something magical happens at four years old when children suddenly start reasoning and understanding this great big world better. I remember when it happened to Brady and now I see it occurring in Carson. I so wish time could slow down and let me enjoy them a little longer.

We celebrated, as usual, with a family only party. Carson is asking for a "friend" party next year and I think I might consider it. Curious George was our theme, complete with a piƱata, which I didn't get any good pictures of.

Here are a few thoughts on Carson at four years old...He is still my snuggle bug. More often than not every morning he wakes me up a little before 7am with a smile on his face sneaking into our bed for morning snuggles. He thinks of others often. When we asked him what he wanted for his birthday gift he replied, "I don't know, we'll just have to wait and see what I get". When pressed a little harder he requested a second Gotham City Jail toy so that Brady could have one too. After a recent Easter egg hunt at school he immediately got in the car and started telling me about how he was going to give almost all of them to Brady and Eleanor. And he stuck to his word. He still loves to talk and does so A LOT! He is so social and I cannot wait to watch the friendships he develops as he gets older. I just love him so so much and pray that he will have an open and receptive heart to God's gentle calling for him. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding - Proverbs 3:5

I love you my sweet boy!